Screen captures via Instagram/@thehollandnative
Three Stars of Comedy
Careful with those wagers, Zach—not throwing up easily is pretty much a requirement for being a Sabres fan these days.The second star: Luke Witkowski – The Red Wings defenseman apparently promised the team he'd be working on his stickwork this summer, and he kept his word.
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Please tell me the Sabres are prepping a video of Jeff Skinner finishing a tough workout with Bogosian and then immediately throwing all his hockey gear onto a Segway and taking off in the direction of Buffalo.
Outrage of the Week
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Obscure Former Player of the Week
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Be It Resolved
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That's where things get interesting. The actual members who make up the committee are apparently kept as a closely guarded secret, so that nobody can try to influence their decisions. Remember, there are like ten soccer goals scored every year around the world, so this stuff is a big deal, and players have been known to lobby the mystery committee to get credit.It's all very fascinating, and it makes me wonder if the NHL should have its own Dubious Goals Committee. I'm not sure I can come up with a reason why they'd actually need one, and the current system of just having the official scorer check the replay seems to be working fine. The NHL clearly can't adopt the concept of own goals, because then we'd have to acknowledge that like 50 percent of goals these days are accidentally deflected in by a defenseman. But I like the idea of a shadowy committee meeting in the dark of night to decide who wins your office hockey pool, so I'm kind of on board here.But there's a second, and frankly far more important question in play here: How have hockey fans not stolen "Dubious Goals Committee" as a nickname for a line?I know we don't really do hockey nicknames anymore, ever since the media stopped coming up with them and started just going with whatever lazy shortcut the players were using, but surely we can make an exception here. So be it resolved that by opening night, there has to be at least one unit in the league that we're all calling the Dubious Goals Committee.
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Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- It's April 19, 2004, and the Flames are in Vancouver for game seven of what's been a hard-fought series. Iginla has scored twice in the game, including a powerplay marker midway through the third, and that's been enough to stake the Flames to a 2-1 lead in the final minute.
- Our clip begins with 35 seconds left, and the Canucks on the powerplay. They're pressuring, but we get a whistle and some controversy, as Vancouver's Ed Jovanovski is sent off for high-sticking. He's furious, and the replay shows why: It was definitely more of a cross-check to the neck. Get it right, ref!
- Actually, Jovanovski is probably mad because he knows that NHL referees never call anything late in a playoff game. This will turn out to be important in a moment.
- After they sort out the details, play resumes with a faceoff outside the line. The Flames get control, and Iginla carries the puck into the Vancouver zone with a chance to complete the hat trick and ice the series. At least one Canucks fan is convinced that's exactly what will happen, because he chooses that moment to hurl his jersey onto the ice. It just misses the shot, which ends up going wide.
- Let's pause here: What happens if that jersey hits the puck? I honestly don't know. I'm assuming they can award an automatic goal, but I'm not sure. The NHL's policies about fans tossing things on the ice are notoriously spotty. Remember, this is the same league that lets play continue when a chicken wearing a cape is thrown onto the ice, so your guess is as good as mine.
- The Canucks gather up the puck with 16 second left, and it's not looking good, as Iginla is still in good position for a forecheck. Or at least he is until Brendan Morrison skates by and just blatantly hacks the stick out of his hands. Since there's roughly a zero point zero percent chance of a referee calling two penalties on the same team in the final minute of a one-goal playoff game, play continues. Ah well, at least it can't get any worse for our pal Jarome.
- Whoops.
- To sum up, Jarome Iginla has just a.) missed an empty net; b.) had clothing thrown at him; c.) had his stick knocked out his hand; and d.) stepped on that stick and wiped out at center ice. This all happened in six seconds, by the way. I don’t think I accomplished that much in all of July.
- Iginla gets up and quickly does the only thing you can do in that situation, which is to find Morrison and deliver an Ultimate Warrior clothesline to take him out of the play. But that still leaves Markus Naslund with enough time to drive the net. He's denied by Miikka Kiprusoff, but all four Flames defenders have their backs turned as another Canuck approaches from behind.
- Huh. Not like Matt Cooke to strike when his opponent isn't looking.
- So Cooke banks in the rebound with six seconds left, and it's bedlam. Meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to figure out how Matt Cooke was on the ice with the season on the line. He had 23 points that year, in case you were wondering. I'm guessing he was subbing in for the suspended Todd Bertuzzi on the Naslund line, but that still seems weird, especially when a shot of the celebration reminds us that the Sedin twins and Trevor Linden were on the bench.
- Also, that is an all-time great water-drinking face from Kiprusoff right there.
- We get an overheard replay that brilliantly captures all the madness of the preceding few seconds, including Iginla's stick mishap. After another replay, we get to what may be the highlight of the clip: Jovanovski's reaction from the penalty box, as he goes full "little boy who needs to piddle" with excitement.
- We close with a shot of Brian Burke's reaction. Or at least, we're supposed to think it's Burke's reaction. But look at his neck. What's that thing wrapped around it, all neatly tied up? Yeah, nice try Hockey Night in Canada. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL BRIAN BURKE?
- Based on the fact that you didn't spend the next 14 years hearing about how Iginla was a choker who couldn't come through in the clutch, you can probably guess how this game ended. The Flames did indeed end up winning, with Martin Gelinas getting the series-winner because Martin Gelinas scored the series-winner in every playoff round in the early 2000s, even ones he wasn't playing in. Iginla did most of the work on that one and earned an assist, although the real hero is the Flame with poor depth perception who misjudges the celebration pile and performs an aerial faceplant into the end boards. Maybe a Canucks fan should have thrown a pair of glasses at him.