We have a suggestion for Chelsea should they decide to do away with Jose Mourinho and hire a new boss. Rather than going to the hassle of a proper appointment process, just Google 'new Chelsea manager' and make your choice based on the top news article that pops up.

This week we got another new name. According to The Sun, former England manager Fabio Capello is the latest to join the queue of ego-driven, unemployed men who have their sights set on this powerful, well-paid position. There's no actual source or quote for it in the story, however, just some old rambling from Capello about Jose.

In the interest of balance, we should mention Chelsea have been linked with various other ego-driven, unemployed men such as Carlo Ancelotti, Guus Hiddink, and even Brendan Rodgers.

The Daily Mail has been doing some more vital journalistic work. Its latest scoop is that retired Dutch midfielder Edgar Davids is considering buying a new motorcycle AND probably has a new girlfriend (also known as a midlife crisis – am I right lads?)

If you really must know more you can read about it here, though we've already told you pretty much everything there is.

Davids' new love interest is referred to as a "mystery companion", which is tabloid-speak for "we don't know who she is".

For some reason, the British Journal of Sports Medicine investigated footballers teeth, and apparently they're not in great shape – in fact, they're worse than the general public's gnashers. The Independent's report is here.

Perhaps the most important question here is, why the hell was this study carried out in the first place?

Quickly moving on from dentistry, let's lighten the mood. Here's English comedy manatee James Corden looking to ingratiate himself in America by playing their sports. He teamed up with NFL legend Joe Montana to recreate a famous catch, which sounds like the much-loved 'Phoenix From The Flames' segment from Baddiel & Skinner's Fantasy Football.

In hysterical righteous indignation news, James McClean has once again faced what his boss Tony Pulis calls 'stick' for not wearing a poppy on his shirt. Wearing a poppy (specifically a red one) is now de rigueur for all public figures, so much so that David Cameron's aides are retrospectively adding poppies to past photos of the Prime Minister (though strangely we've yet to see a poppified version of this doing the rounds).

Feeling the anger emanating from a sort of Middle-Englandish direction, we headed to the Daily Mail website hunting for a comment that confirmed our stereotypes of Mail readers, only to be confronted with this towards the very top of the responses.

Rational, fair and succinct, it is nothing like the vitriolic jingoism we'd expected. What has this country come to when you can't even rely on the Mail for batshit opinions?

Then again, consider the fact that more than 1,000 readers gave the comment a thumbs down, which means 1,000 people disagree with the notion that we have freedom of expression and choice. That's much more like it, Mail.

It's funny because it's actually deeply fucking offensive.

Probably the best and least bullshit sports news this week was that a dog ran on to the pitch during a second-tier Romanian league match. Look at his face! Just look at his face!

It was reported this week that a Basel fan has returned home 11 years after see his team play in Milan. We're not really sure what to make of this one. On initial reading it's kind of funny, but when you think about it the situation is actually pretty harrowing and dark. A guy went to see Basel play Inter Milan at the San Siro. After the game he lost his friends and had no money to get home. So he's spent the past 11 years living rough in Milan, only returning home this week after breaking his ankle.

Which is all very tragic and suggests a person not in a healthy state of mind. If I became separated from my friends after a game, my first thought would be to find a way home. It would not be to accept my lot and live rough on the streets of a foreign city for more than a decade. I asked around the office a bit and everyone concurred. We hope the guy's fortunes pick up at home.

Susie Wolff has retired as an F1 driver before ever racing in F1, having realised that no one was going to give her a seat. She is reportedly being lined up as a presenter on the BBC's new version of Top Gear.

It's kind of funny that a driver who wasn't getting in anyone's way has called it quits, while a host of old guys who should probably accept it's time to walk away (Raikkonen, Button, Alonso) and give youth a chance soldier on. Ho hum.

The Rugby World Cup is over, so none of the papers are pretending to be interested in rugby any more. Hopefully we'll have some Sam Burgess hot takes for you next week.

As for Cristiano Jr, possibly the star of the film, Ronaldo explains that he always wanted "my successor" without going into any other details. His son is five, already doing sit-ups and still working on his pronunciation of "Lamborghini".

From the Guardian's review of the new Ronaldo movie, which we have also reviewed.

Finally, this one is for fans of ex-footballers needlessly losing their shit on Twitter. This week it's former Spurs and England midfielder Darren Anderton, who did not react well to this Tweet from BBC Sport's Conor McNamara…

McNamara wasn't making it up – he later posted a clip of the Spurs PA saying that Anderton was injured, so he was just reporting what had been said. Nevertheless the former England international persisted in attacking McNamara, going as far as suggesting that upset had been caused to him and his family…

PrayForDarren