The Best Copa America Preview You Could Possibly Read

The 44th Copa America begins tonight in Santiago, Chile. For those not familiar with the Copa America, it's kind of like the World Cup, but with only the fun teams, and none of the Europeans.

The tournament often used to feature the United States as a special invitee along with Mexico. But while Mexico is still playing, the US hasn't been invited back after showing up to the 2007 Copa America with a roster that was the equivalent of showing up to a party with a bottle of wine filled with bees. Next year's Copa America—the centennial anniversary of the tournament—will take place in the United States, the first time the tournament will be held outside of South America.

But that's next year. Let's get through this tournament first.

GROUP A

Chile

Player to Watch: Jean Beausejour

Chile, one of the tournament favorites, is the host country and in the midst of a golden generation of soccer talent led by Juventus' Arturo Vidal and Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez . But your Chilean spotlight is on Jean Beausejour. He is the son of a Mapuche mother (and Haitian father) and is a proud representative of the Mapuche indigenous community, which has been in an ongoing and occasionally violent struggle for autonomy within the Chilean state for reclamation of their ancestral lands. In fact, Beausejour has even discussed creating an unsanctioned Mapuche national team, similar to the unsanctioned Catalan national team in Spain. He deserves your support.

Mexico

Player to Watch: Rafa Marquez

Classic. Legend. Inevitable. Eternal. Man. Made to Measure. The Power of Cool. The Hypnotizing Power of Seduction.

A complete list of Rafa Marquez descriptors can be found with the Google image search query: "cologne advertisement."

Ecuador

Player to Watch: Estadio El Teniente

No disrespect to Ecuador, which I'm sure is a lovely place, but without Antonio Valencia, their soccer team is pretty dull. So instead, I'll use this space to discuss the nationalization of the Chilean copper industry. Rancagua's Estadio El Teniente, which will be hosting several group stage matches, was built as "Estadio Braden Copper Co." by the Braden Copper Company, an American outfit owned by the Guggenheim brothers that opened a number of copper mines in Northern Chile. One such mine, El Teniente, currently has over 3,000 kilometers of tunnels and is reportedly the biggest underground copper mine in the world. The Chilean government took control of the stadium as part of the nationalization of the copper industry that took place over the middle of the 20th century. The renamed stadium, and the copper mining industry in general, have stayed in the government's hands ever since.

So sure, if Antonio Valencia were playing, you might have been treated to a more exciting Ecuador side. But you also probably wouldn't have learned anything about the history of the Chilean copper industry.

Bolivia

Player to Watch: Pablo Escobar

Apart from being named Pablo Escobar (cocaine! LOL!), he is a 36-year-old forward who plays for a Bolivian club named simply, "The Strongest." Also, the video above features a photograph of a llama (Or maybe it's an alpaca? I don't know the difference) on a soccer field at the 1:29 mark.

GROUP B

Argentina

Player to Watch: Javier Pastore

Eric Cantona thinks Pastore is the best player in the world right now. Eric Cantona is an all-knowing sage.

Uruguay

Player to Watch: Darius Ubriaco

Darius Ubriaco is not playing in the 2015 Copa America. He is a referee. However, Ubriaco is also not refereeing in the 2015 Copa America because he failed the required fitness test and was replaced by another Uruguayan official. Before you laugh at Ubriaco's lack of physicality, here is what that fitness test entails:

Six 40 meter sprints, each to be completed in less than 6 seconds.

Twenty 150 meter sprints, each to be completed in less than 30 seconds.

And then to finish, one 50 meter "fast walk" to be completed in less than 35 seconds.

That Ubriaco would even think to attempt such a test is heroic enough.

Paraguay

Player to Watch: Justo Villar

At 37 years old, Villar is the oldest player competing in this Copa America. And if you watch the entire video above, a nearly 9-minute long homage to a Paraguayan goalie (that is without sound due to copyright reasons), you will become a true Copa America head and gain access to all of the very luxurious and exclusive Copa America clubs.

Jamaica

Player to Watch: Rodolph Austin

Rodolph Austin won "Goal of the Season" at Leeds United's end of the season banquet for that volley against Watford. Less than two weeks after the banquet, Austin's contract was not renewed by Leeds United and he has yet to be signed by another club. Support Austin as he dispenses his Earthly possessions to live as a wanderer, seeking truth (and probably an MLS contract).

GROUP C

Brazil

Player to Watch: Roberto Firmino

Imagine if every shooting guard for the Chicago Bulls, forever, were compared to Michael Jordan and they were labeled failures and cast into the abyss of obscure overpaid Asian leagues if they turned out to be just Mike Dunleavy Jr. and not, in fact, Michael Jordan. Roberto Firmino is the latest innocent young lamb with a soft first touch to be anointed as Brazil's next great striker. He will probably be eaten by wolves. His courage in facing near certain doom is commendable.

Colombia

Player to Watch: Everyone

Colombia is a beautiful country filled with beautiful people who are represented by a team of beautiful soccer players who play beautifully. James Rodriguez is a deity. Every second of Colombian soccer that you watch will add ten healthy and glorious years to your life.

Peru

Player to Watch: Jefferson Farfan

Farfan has actually been a pretty cool under the radar star for FC Schalke in the Bundesliga for a while now. But perhaps more importantly, he's also been involved in two separate incidents with the Peruvian national team that led to the use of headlines such as "Hotel Scandal" and "Panama Casino Scandal." His highlight tape is fittingly set to Rick Ross's "Stay Schemin."

Venezuela

Player to Watch: Wuilker Fariñez

At the tender age of 17, Fariñez is the youngest player in the tournament. It would likely require several injuries and/or plagues for him to see the field. In fact, he's not even the starting goalkeeper for his club, Caracas FC. But if you watch the video above, a made-for-Venezuelan-TV documentary short on Fariñez when he was 14, which is entirely in Spanish—a language you may or may not speak—you will not only gain access to all the luxurious and exclusive Copa America clubs, but you will ascend into the Copa America heavens to live among the Copa America angels.

However, if for some reason, deep cut Venezuelan TV docs on teenage goalkeepers aren't really your thing, here are some boobs. Enjoy your descent into Copa America hell.