Dating Couples: A Beginner's Guide

It’s well-documented that interest in open and polyamorous relationships is on the rise. But while ethical non-monogamy has been relatively normalised, one subsection of the extended poly family remains a source of easy mockery: couples “looking for a third”. 

We’ve all seen the cringy shared dating app profiles, and the “we saw you from across the bar” memes, and most people with even a faint knowledge of the non-monogamy scene will have come across the term “unicorn hunting”, which Roy Graff, a polyamory-affirming relationship coach and counsellor and the founder of OpenRelating.Love, describes as a red flag for someone looking for an easy way to fulfill a sexual fantasy. (Not that they’ll have an easy time of it – as Graff points out, a single person in a triad with an established couple is called a unicorn only “because of how hard it is for couples to find a single person like this!”)

But while it's true there are more couples looking for a one-night threesome than ones looking for long-term loving triads, it’s also true that it’s not always the couple doing the looking. Sometimes, magic happens and unicorns spring from Welsh lakesides unbidden. Sometimes, three – or four – people just catch a vibe…

At the aforementioned festival last year, a friend picked up on “a vibe” between her, Laura and Ella, but Laura says she “shrugged it off, thinking ‘[Ella] has a girlfriend’. But also I'd never dated a woman, so it didn't seem like a potentiality that could be available to me”. That was, until Laura received a text from Ella and her girlfriend: “This might be a bit of a spicy message for your Wednesday, but…”

For their first date, Laura walked all the way from Kentish Town to Green Lanes in London: “I had a shot of tequila before I left. I listened to La Roux on repeat to hype myself up while I walked.” She needn’t have worried. Despite feeling like she’d dived headfirst into unknown territory, Laura immediately felt comfortable with the pair: “From the start that summer, everything was so easy.”

Of course, not everyone can meet their dream couple at an idyllic lakeside festival. “Setting a clear intention in dating is quite different from organically meeting a couple and being attracted to both of them,” Roy Graff says. “If you’re looking to date a couple, it’s important to ask yourself why.”

“I think someone who is looking to date a couple might be looking for a sexual experience, or perhaps they would like attention and adoration from two people at the same time,” he adds. “That’s all fine, so long as your intentions are clear to both you and the people you are approaching.”

Bayu Prihandito, a certified psychology consultant and life coach specialising in relationships, agrees. “A single person interested in dating a couple should first start with some self-reflection to truly understand their motivations and desires,” he suggests. 

Sex and relationship expert Charlotte Johnson also recommends doing your research before reaching out to any couples – no matter how much of a vibe you catch. “Understand the principles, communication skills, and challenges involved,” she suggests, “and be honest with yourself – consider your emotional availability, time, and energy to invest in multiple relationships.” This is, quite literally, doubly important if you’re in a couple looking to date other couples. If you barely have time to commit to date night with your current partner, you might not be ready to fill your calendar with multi-couple hang-outs.

Once you feel ready to put some feelers out there, Prihandito advises joining online communities or forums where polyamorous and open relationships are openly discussed  “as a good starting point”, as these “allow for a deeper exploration of these types of relationships, and provide opportunities to connect with like-minded people and couples”.

“Openingup.net is a great online resource for finding networks, groups, and conferences both online and in person,” says Kendra Capalbo, a licensed couples therapist and founder of Concierge Couples Counseling. “Another option is to visit meetup.com and look for polyamorous groups.” 

Apps like Feeld, Throuple, OKCupid, #Open, 3Fun, and YOLO are other options worth considering. “Depending on your gender and sexual orientation, there will be a site and/or scene for you,” Graff says. “There, you can comfortably lay out your sexual intentions and they’ll be totally acceptable. So long as you avoid misleading people and remain completely transparent, you might get lucky!

Ah, the good ol’ buzzword: boundaries. The term has attracted a bit of a bad rep recently, what with Jonah Hill and others tossing around therapy-speak to justify shitty behaviour. But, when it comes to dating an established couple, or dating as one, it’s best to lay some ground rules before anyone gets their heart broken.

“Boundary setting needs to start before the threeway relationship gets going, so that everyone is aware of what to expect,” advises Cate Campbell, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)-accredited sex, relationship and trauma therapist. “For instance, be clear about whether it’s acceptable for you to have relationships with other people, or whether the other two partners expect to be able to. What are your sexual boundaries and what new activities would you be prepared to try? Will you be open about this with friends and family?”

These are important questions for single people and couples to ponder. Couples have to grapple with their own set of considerations too. “Do your own research on unicorn hunting to avoid unethical behaviour, coercion and power dynamics,” Graff says. “Remember that you have an established relationship, which means inherent power over the third person newly joining.”

If you’re in a couple, looking to date other couples, expect the dynamics to be even more complex. “Tolerating a partner who is mooning over someone else can be trying, and you may even find yourselves being competitive over who the other couple like best,” Campbell warns.

To head this off from the jump, couples therapist Kendra Capalbo recommends nurturing individual connections alongside the group dynamic. “Just as within any relationship, taking the time to foster connections with each individual involved ensures a well-rounded and fulfilling experience,” she says. And if you’re dating other couples as part of an established couple, Graff warns that “at some point someone may want a child, or you may have to deal with illness or finance issues, and it can be difficult with many people at play”.

But these added layers of complexity shouldn’t stop you from exploring. “Many polyamorous couples begin with couple swapping and end up becoming best friends with the couple they have been having sex with, forming long-term romantic and platonic relationships,” Graff says. “Again, the key is being upfront, honest, and vulnerable with strong communication, whilst maintaining healthy boundaries for all involved.” 

If there’s one thing that will jeopardise a friendship or a sexual relationship, it’s the green-eyed monster. “Jealousy is a common emotion in any relationship, and in a polyamorous one, it can be amplified,” Prihandito says plainly. Campbell stresses that “good communication is essential”, acknowledging “it’s more difficult if two of a triad live together or are in a well-established relationship, as the third person may feel left out”.

“Managing jealous emotions is a big effort, but it’s worth it,” Graff stresses. However, he also suggests that jealousy can sometimes signal this type of relationship dynamic simply isn’t for you. “You might then need to come to terms with the fact that it might still be good for your partners, and learn to respect and accept their differences,” he says.

This isn’t to say that only non-monogamous relationships have common pitfalls, though – far from it. “In the past, I have fancied lots of people while I've been in monogamous relationships, and have felt real guilt about that, like it was a form of cheating,” Laura admits. She also says that, when it comes to dating men, she thinks of herself as “a piner”. 

“My feelings get ahead of me,” she says. “It's so often unequal. It makes me act out.” But she’s never had that with the couple she’s dating: “After every date, we all text each other pretty much immediately about how much we loved that, how sexy it was, check they or I got home safe. There have never been any games.”

That doesn’t mean it’s all been plain sailing: “The first half of 2023, I was having a horrific time,” Laura confesses. “I felt low, alienated from myself.” She didn't feel able to be sexually intimate with Ella and her girlfriend. “Instead, we were becoming closer friends, one another's support systems,” Laura says. “It felt like we were transitioning out of dating and into a really serious, important kind of friendship.”

This wasn’t a bad thing, but it did lead to confusion. Were they in a relationship or a friendship? And where did they see this all going? “If you’re new to polyamory, it is normal to have mixed emotions and it’s important to acknowledge these,” says sex expert and co-founder of SIZZL dating app Gillian Myhill, who is poly herself. “Just remember that there is a difference between blockers and boundaries, and you need to make room for the relationship to grow, rather than stunt it.”

That’s something Laura is still getting to grips with. “It won't stay still, because we aren't staying still as people,” she admits. “We will continue to love each other more as friends, and that will feed into what happens between us sexually, and vice versa.” These days, she recognises this might require more conversation. “I think we were all scared of wrecking it if we talked about it too much,” she says of the start of their relationship. “We might need to be more explicit about when we are meeting or going out as friends, and when we are doing so as a date.”

“Non-monogamous relationships often require flexibility, empathy, and a willingness to adapt as feelings evolve,” sex and relationship expert Charlotte Johnson affirms. “It's possible to navigate these situations successfully with ongoing communication and a focus on ensuring that everyone's emotional well-being is prioritised. This may involve redefining the relationships, allowing them to develop naturally, or finding individual solutions that work for everyone involved.” 

Ultimately though, whether you're dating couples as a single person or as part of a couple, “the principles of open communication, respecting boundaries, and nurturing connections apply universally,” couples therapist Kendra Capalbo professes.

“I still fancy them so much,” Laura says finally. “I love them, in a way that doesn't feel painful or difficult, which feels quite pure. I trust them entirely. I trust us as a three to keep working this all out.”