Image of hockey rink and Marijuana Party of Canada logo via Wikimedia Commons
Three Stars of Comedy
The second star: Meanwhile, in Canada – We're getting legal weed up here. But how do you explain the size of a licensed grow-op in a way that literally every Canadian could understand? Oh right.
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The first star: T.J. Luxmore – He's one of the league's newer referees. And like all new refs, he's looking to earn the players' respect. Specifically, by elbowing them in the head when they disagree with him.
Debating the Issues
Opposed: Sounds great. But how?In favor: Well, you could go to the international rule. An opposing player is in the crease, the play is whistled dead. Simple! Nothing to argue. You go in the crease, play's over.Opposed: But that's not actually the international rule. People seem to think it is, but it's not. The international rule is that the play is dead if a player establishes position in the crease. Most of the controversial goals we've seen this year, like Wednesday's Evgeni Malkin play, came when a player had just entered or cut through the crease, so the international rules wouldn't help us there.
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In favor: Stop it.Opposed: And black and white.In favor: Enough.Opposed: Everyone sure did understand it.In favor: We get it.Opposed: Or maybe, and I'm just spit-balling here, "make it black and white" shouldn't actually be the objective. We have, quite literally, the biggest rules debacle in modern NHL history to remind us of that. Maybe we can accept that some calls are just subjective and they won't always go your way, and we can all live with that without the constant over-the-top performances of outrage and feigned confusion.In favor: You know, when you put it like that, it all makes so much sense. It almost seems too… what's the word I'm looking for…Opposed: It will come to you.In favor: Simple!The final verdict: Opposed wins. Or maybe not, let's spend ten minutes thinking about it just to realize we're still not sure.
Obscure Former Player of the Week
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Outrage of the Week
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The common objection to the idea is that the Hart would always just end up going to a player from the Cup-winning team, but I don't think it would. We already have the Conn Smythe for playoff MVP, so voters would understand that they weren't being asked to just pick the best postseason performance.
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Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- This is a hockey-related musical montage, a genre I have strong feelings about. We're going to need a solid song choice, appropriate highlights, and lots of clips that synch up with the lyrics. Let's see how the Kings did.
- They've gone with "This Is Your Life" by California-based rock band The Call. That's a decent choice. Nobody did "list a bunch of vaguely similar things and turn it into a song" quite like The Call. I still have "Let the Day Begin" on my phone and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
- We start off with some old footage of Howe, which then transitions to Gretzky highlights. Not a bad start. Also, I'm going to assume that the VCR tracking information on the top wasn't part of the original video, although it was the 90s so we can't rule it out.
- I'll pause here because I can see the confused look on the faces of younger fans: Yes, you are watching a forward scoring goals with a slapshot. That really happened back then. And it worked, because Gretzky had one of the most underrated shots ever. Um, also because the goalies were all 5'6", used old magazines for padding, and fell down if they tried to move their arms. But mostly the underrated shot.
- We get a few adorable photos of young Wayne, nicely synched with lyrics about the future. That inevitably leads to the famous shot of him getting playfully hooked by Howe. Here's my question: There have to be photos out there of Howe doing that pose with other kids, right? Like, somebody's grandpa has that same shot on his mantle. I feel like we need an Instagram account that's just the Gretzky/Howe photo with other kids who never made it.
- We get more highlights of Gretzky and Howe goals. About 90 percent of Gretzky's appear to be against the Flames or Canucks, which I believe was also his career average, so good attention to detail there.
- "We've all grown up together," with a shot of Gretzky as an Oiler. "A shame we've grown apart," as we fade into him as a King. Wow. Twist the knife a little harder on those Oilers fans, guys. What's the matter, did The Call not write any lyrics about a cheapskate owner or having to shovel your driveway three times a day?
- I think my favorite highlight might be the one at 1:50 of Gretzky in front of the Pittsburgh net while a Penguin glides half-heartedly toward him. Yeah, it's only Wayne Gretzky all alone with our goalie, no need to break a sweat on the backcheck there.
- Got to be honest, this is a solid montage. I'm kind of feeling it here.
- We continue to get plenty of nice synching, including "the journey begins" (Gretzky as a kid), "reach for the stars" (Gretzky as an Oiler) and "lift up your voice" (Gretzky singing "Waikiki Hockey"). I may have made one of those up.
- We close with a greatest hits package of Gretzky records and milestones: Most goals in a season, fastest 50 goals, 600th goal, 700th goal, 1st goal, and finally 801st goal. Um, guys, I don't think those are in chronological order.
- Boss: "Hey man, you added his first goal into the milestone package, right?" Guy who's already almost done that section: "Uh, yeah, totally, I'm not an idiot."
- We get a quick strobe-light effect to induce a few seizures, and then a surprise ending: The 802nd goal that literally just happened a few minutes ago, already tacked onto the end of our montage. That's some high-pressure editing right there.
- One of my favorite trivia questions: Who was in net for Gretzky's record-breaking 802nd goal? Answer: defenseman Gerald Diduck, after Kirk McLean wandered off.
- And that's our clip. We fade out, and get a quick glimpse of Gretzky still celebrating on the ice. This was of course the same celebration that saw Bettman present Gretzky with a homemade scrapbook. All in all, I'd call that a good night.