To slow the spread of the coronavirus, we’ve all been instructed to practice social distancing, a confusing term that seems to mean a million things at once.Thankfully some Canadian bureaucrats put it in words I could understand. Stay a hockey stick’s length apart.That’s right, the city of Toronto is rolling out a sign saying good physical distancing is "about the length of a hockey stick.” It wasn’t advice in a vacuum. CTV journalists were already taping microphones to the end of hockey sticks to keep some distance between them and the public/camera crew.
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Canadians bristle at being called cliches but here we are, preparing to use a CCM Ribcor 62K Grip stick to make sure we don’t kill anyones grandmother. How fun.Lucky for me I had a Mission hockey stick lying around my place and, in an effort to beat the incredible boredom brought on by self-isolation, I decided to see how much a stick can help during this time. If self-isolation has driven you to similar levels of unfathomable boredom why don’t you join me on this stupid little journey? Maybe we’ll learn something together.
Enjoying a socially distant breakfast
Now we're going to presume your friend loves sitting near the oven and watching your skills first hand. So, you're going to crack an egg into a preheated pan (it’s very difficult but doable) and then do your best to scrape all the eggshells out, the shells will get into the pan (just tell your friend they add to the flavour). Now you’re going to reach over and flip that egg. If at first it doesn’t go, don’t get discouraged, you’ll get it eventually.
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Now, the knife end of our handy cookin’ stick isn’t as… useful. I attempted to slice an English muffin—so my friend and I could soak up our perfectly cooked yolks—but I was thoroughly destroyed by the muffin.One outta two ain’t bad though! In the end, your friend will be treated to both a breakfast and a show of your hand-eye coordination!
Pouring some java
The answer is a Stone Cold level “hell yeah”—but with some caveats.Just don’t try to pour cream.
Laundry test
So unless you want some shrunken gonch and a bunch of people at the laundromat staring at you for the three hours it takes you to put four loonies and two quarters into the machine, it's best to avoid the dreaded laundromat.
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Grocery shopping
Coffee shop/bakeries
Paying for things
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I am the Gretzky of homebrewed debit machine emulators.
Holding hands
Can you travel the world as an annoying travel influencer?
Hell yeah, make me an influencer, please. (I'll get back to you about the whole travelling outside of Canada in a few months, or whenever it becomes feasible again. )"Oh Mack, of course a hockey stick is going to excel here," you say naively. "What’s the point of even testing it?’Well, my sweet but dumb reader, the reason is that to live a full happy life you need to be able to do more than just sick toe-drags, dangles, and clappers from the top of the circle, you need variety. Can a hockey stick be more than just a hockey stick?I think we know the answer to that. Cue some inspirational music and duct tape noises, please.
Working out
I got some of my weights for my dumbbells and made myself a makeshift bench press. It worked but only halfway. Honestly, the duct tape is a pretty precarious way to connect weights to something. I had to keep the weights low so I didn’t break a toe or something while researching this stupid, stupid, blog. If you’re going for high reps, this is for you. If not, you might want to pass and just do like… push-ups or something.
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Hockey
Basketball
After a little bit of practicing, I was able to get dribbling down. Honestly, it’s kinda fun. Shooting is going to take some practice though.So, after all these tests and all these words. What have we learned? One, my editors are as bored as I am.Other than that, not much other than a hockey stick is very versatile, I have far too much time on my hands during this quarantine, and that I dramatically miss human contact.Frankly, I am sorry to report, I don’t think that a hockey stick is going to be the saviour for all of us in self-isolation. Nothing is going to make the next few weeks or months feel normal. There is no simple trick to help us escape this situation, even if we upgrade to a Bauer Vapor Flylite Grip. We simply need to deal with it head-on, and stay home. In times like these sacrifices need to be made—sort of like blocking slappers—and if the only thing I’m required to do is suffer through some stir craziness, I should consider myself lucky.I’m pretty shit at hockey anyways.Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter .